The following is representative of a typical day for a truly loving and generous caregiver I have the privilege to know:
It’s difficult to wake up multiple times, night after night, to the sound of creaking floors. It can be a struggle to get out of your comfortable bed, which you fell into just an hour earlier, exhausted, to check on your mother and ensure she is safe in her bed where you left her tucked in for the night.
You force yourself awake because you love your mom, and she risks wandering without her walker and falling. She is so frail, yet often, her mind thinks she can do the impossible.
Day after day, you gather the strength and diligently prepare yourself mentally and physically for the challenges that lie ahead.
Every day is different and yet much the same.
You wake before the sun, dress, comb your hair, brush your teeth, and do everything you would if you were going to your job, the store, or out into the world.
But you are not going anywhere.
You stay indoors in this house, almost continuously, from sunup to sundown.
You may peek outside to feel the sun on your face, but it is only for a short time. Your mother cannot be too far out of your sight, even when sleeping, because you never know when the situation will change.
She may wake up and suddenly decide she can walk to the bathroom without her walker or become frightened when she cries out and no one responds. She may need to remember who she is, who you are, and where she is.
So once again, you prepare a breakfast of watermelon and a muffin before waking her with a smile to begin the day.
She has dementia and suffers from severe arthritis as well as other ailments common for someone eighty-seven years old who spends most of the day in bed.
You help her to the bathroom, keep her clean, and ensure she gets all her medicine on time and swallows it instead of hiding it in her cheeks, the blankets or chewing it like candy.
You do your best to keep her entertained by talking about the freshness of the food, watching Gunsmoke reruns, sharing pictures, reading the mail out loud, putting lotion on her legs and arms, and saying anything you can to hear your own voice.
When she sleeps, you start a load of laundry or fold what has been in the dryer for hours. You pay a few bills, tidy up the house, or answer texts and emails.
On a good day, you have an extra moment to scroll through Facebook distractedly, but even doing this, in the back of your mind, you wonder if you have finished everything you can or need to do for your Mom.
You almost feel guilty doing anything for yourself.
Are there tasks you need to do for her, the house, or yourself while she sleeps? Is there enough time to complete them?
Your mind never shuts off.
Throughout the day, you constantly find yourself helping your mom get into the proper position in bed, assisting with her walker, and ensuring she’s comfortable and seated correctly on her toilet.
Even though she is twenty-three years older than you, you worry that all this physical exertion may be taking a toll on your body. What will your life be like in your later years? Who will be here to take care of you?
Your muscles ache at night.
You want to alleviate the isolation by having a visitor or talking to a friend on the phone. Still, any deviation from the regular schedule could lead to increased confusion, difficulty sleeping, or general agitation if mom doesn’t feel she is getting the attention she is used to.
You spend any free moments worrying about money, your health, an emergency, spending too much time alone, and your present and future life.
You worry about worrying too much.
Such is the life of a caregiver.
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AARP estimates that over 48 million family caregivers are currently in the United States. Their tasks include bathing, dressing, medical care, transportation, grocery shopping, and meal preparation.
These caregivers help loved ones live independently in their homes and communities by providing unpaid labor worth $600 billion annually.
I was a part-time caregiver for my paternal Grandma and my Dad. The undertaking can evoke a wide range of emotions, from love, hope, and fulfillment to stress, frustration, and fear.
Yet, it is a profound gift to be with a loved one in their final days, caring for them and showing them how much they matter.
Even though there were complex and sad times, the days and weeks we spent together, I will remember and cherish forever.
Do you know someone who is a caregiver? If you live close by, is there anything you can do to help them?
Most caregivers I know will not accept help at first but keep offering.
It will be appreciated, even if it doesn’t appear so initially.
Here are some ideas to help:
- Offer respite care to give the caregiver time to rest, run errands, take a walk, have a self-care appointment, watch a movie, or read a book—whatever brings them joy.
- Be a good listener
- Assist with daily tasks: cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping
- Stay informed: notice the daily routine and what would be most helpful
- Help with organization and planning
- Provide financial assistance or share resources available
- Ask how you can best help
- Be present
If you are a caregiver reading this, please know how appreciated you are by your loved ones (even if they can’t tell you) and by society.
Please accept help as it is offered if it is something you could use. You don’t need to do this all alone.
And lastly, thank you. There is a special place in heaven for caregivers.
Rosalynn Carter: “There are only four kinds of people in the world — those that have been caregivers, those that are caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.”
Thanks for reading!
Keep smiling!
xx
